Christoph
Oct 21st, 2011 @ 1:36 pm
On Financial Independence
I had grown sort of used to Kimber supporting me, but now that there is a whole other person buying me things I have been reminded that my situation is a little bit nonstandard. When Sammy pays for my delicious bottles of rum and things I’m all sheepish and thankful, like a real human being, which will not do at all.
This has inspired me to make fuck tons of money, which I think is the first sensible reaction my brain and I have ever had to anything. Kudos, Captain. We’ll be rich, no doubt, now that we have decided we are vaguely interested in money.
My video game site will, of course, make a cool million a week, should it at some point exist. I will supplement my income, then, with my freelancing. Soon I will take mi innamorati on a trip around the world, where we will meet with the most devoted fans of my articles on dish detergent and rain gear for cyclists, and everyone will pay to blow me.
We’re well on our way. My most recent paid work was writing an article about the best pocket knives for campers. I concluded that the best pocket knives for campers fit into campers’ pockets. They paid me $25 for this. A couple of those a day and I can take my former benefactors to lunch at the Olive Garden.
My most recent unpaid work reads a little something like:
I can feel it building inside of me as I thrust into her, hungrily probing to elicit her ancient sounds of pleasure and stuttering breath. The feeling wells up within me and pushes to escape, but I hold it back for now. I squeeze my eyes tight and push as hard and as deeply as I can and must, and then I feel it, and I can’t restrain it any longer. With a primal bellow I release, and the liquid spills forth from my eyes, running over my cheeks and falling into her mouth. Wait, what? I’m crying? I’m crying!
Nobody will give me $25 for that, which I think I have identified as a flaw with the world.
Oct 6th, 2011 @ 8:18 am
My greatest flaw as a writer (and there was some stiff competition, let me tell you) is that I write way too fucking much. Oh, maybe not on my blog, but for each article, short story, review, or even status update I write, I tend to use way too many of those word things.
Case in point: This post was upgraded from a tweet.
It is a classic pitfall for inexperienced writers, but having known of this weakness for a long while now I still don’t seem very interested in changing it. I am by all accounts meant to be an experiencededly shitty writer by now.
I recently wrote a short story for an anthology, and about six seconds after submitting it I realized that I had written it as if it were a novel. I wouldn’t even consider it if I was the publisher. The story spanned five different scenes, with multiple characters who developed and had their own arcs. Fuck that shit.
When I write fiction I figure out my characters and let them take the story wherever they please, which means there are inevitably about as many subplots as there are names. It could work if I would trim the fat after the fact and keep some of that to myself. Alas, I find it nigh impossible to cut huge sections from a piece of writing.
My awful fiction leans a lot on humor and awkward dialog. I want to keep all of my moments, and all of my jokes, because those are the things that bring a joy to writing for me, and they’re the bits I’m most proud of. This is clearly not what the publisher of an anthology of short stories wants, though.
Basically I am suggesting we start a literary journal for hack writers who can’t be bothered to edit their work.
Oct 2nd, 2011 @ 7:03 am
Sois le bienvenu.
Sep 30th, 2011 @ 5:16 pm
[13:50] fancydink: I saw this thread where everyone was uploading pictures of their dicks next to game controllers. Most of them used Xbox 360 controllers. I noted that my penis was almost exactly the same length as the xbox controller, while most of the dicks in the thread were a bit longer.
[13:52] fancydink: Which upsets me because I have a completely average sized penis, just not compared to the average of this particular group. Which got me to thinking, it is probably because only people who have dicks longer than xbox 360 controllers will opt to upload a picture of their dick next to an xbox 360 controller.
[13:52] fancydink: I felt bad, because I knew, also, that there would be people with smaller dicks than mine, people whose dicks are perhaps only half the length of an xbox 360 controller, and they would be looking at these 7-8 inch dicks or cheaters and thinking low of themselves.
[13:53] fancydink: But I couldn’t take a picture of my dick next to my xbox 360 controller because it’s a little awkward to hold in place like that while you take a picture, and I have a kind of erectile dysfunction where I cannot maintain an erection without it being constantly stimulated. When it comes to taking photos and things I just can’t fucking do it, I lose it right away
[13:54] fancydink: And I feel bad about it, I guess
<em>[13:54] BigGulp32 is offline</em>
Sep 29th, 2011 @ 3:02 pm
Everyone crowds around like carrion to a corpse. Their mouths flapping and noshing like pigs at a trough, smashing their teeth and their tongues together, telling stories of past feedings behind hands which obstruct nothing.
I can’t hold myself comfortably upright with these creatures, so I hang back a while and let myself be known, that they can talk among each other after I’m gone and assure the naysayers that I did, in fact, make my appearance. Good on me.
When I’ve lingered long enough for my corpulence and filth to make the most perceptive of them uncomfortable enough to have the image burned into their pre-frontal cortices, I stash myself away in the garage. It’s better this way for everyone, and especially me.
I gaze off into the corner and imagine all of them nude. I have no interest in any of these people sexually, but it helps to pass the time and is a great exercise for remembering names.
Sep 12th, 2011 @ 12:17 pm
Here are some videos
I have heard much about your penis in recent days.
The preceding was an un-edited draft saved in June which I can’t recall the motivation for.
@ 12:12 pm
Here are some videos
I have heard much about your penis in recent days.
This has been an un-edited draft of a blog entry I wish I could remember the point of.
Sep 9th, 2011 @ 12:55 am
A list of things you cannot read.
I am not much for blogging these days, as Ashley and absolutely nobody else has noticed, but worry not: I’ve got a number of fine excuses.
First, I have been writing for dollar money. This sounds terrible, I know, but it’s actually been almost fun. For me, I mean; You get nothing out of it. For example, I’ve been hired to write trivia questions for a Legend of Zelda iPhone app, which is what I was going to do this week anyway. I’m also apparently writing an Op-Ed column for an obviously reputable African American newspaper, who totally believed my story about the skin condition plaguing the residents of America’s newly-extended dominion into Cascadia.
Second, I have been writing sissypants little personal entries, on LiveJournal of all places. Hahaha, me! Considering including the link to my LiveJournal… Nope. Anyway, I hide these things away behind a friends lock because they are mostly about vaginas and I’m sure nobody on the Internet has any interest in vaginas.
Third, I’ve been writing a lot of fiction. Tons of short stories! I’d post them here, but magazines and anthologies frown on that kind of thing, and apparently I’ve just now decided that getting paid for what I do is a good idea. What I really need here is one of them nifty portals where I let you know where to find my latest work, but I think you’re supposed to be a celebrity to make one of those, and unfortunately Ashley only has the one computer with which to drive up my stats.
Fourth! Yeah, there is a fourth thing. I’m supposed to be working on a video game site so I can pretend that I still write for myself. I haven’t actually been writing for that site either, but presumably this excuse will apply next month.
In closing, uh.
Sep 8th, 2011 @ 8:38 pm
A list of things you cannot read.
I am not much for blogging these days, as Ashley and absolutely nobody else has noticed, but worry not: I’ve got a number of fine excuses.
First, I have been writing for dollar money. This sounds terrible, I know, but it’s actually been almost fun. For me, I mean; You get nothing out of it. For example, I’ve been hired to write trivia questions for a Legend of Zelda iPhone app, which is what I was going to do this week anyway. I’m also apparently writing an Op-Ed column for an obviously reputable African American newspaper, who believe my story about the skin condition plaguing the residents of America’s newly-extended dominion into Cascadia.
Second, I have been writing sissypants little personal entries, on LiveJournal of all places. Hahaha, me! Considering including the link to my LiveJournal… Nope. Anyway, I hide these things away behind a friends lock because they are mostly about vaginas and I’m sure nobody on the Internet has any interest in vaginas.
Third, I’ve been writing a lot of fiction. Tons of short stories! I’d post them here, but magazines and anthologies frown on that kind of thing, and apparently I’ve just now decided that getting paid for what I do is a good idea. What I really need here is one of them nifty portals where I let you know where to find my latest work, but I think you’re supposed to be a celebrity to make one of those, and unfortunately Ashley only has the one computer with which to drive up my stats.
Fourth! Yeah, there is a fourth thing. I’m supposed to be working on a video game site so I can pretend that I still write for myself. I haven’t actually been writing for that site either, but presumably this excuse will apply next month.
In closing, uh.
Aug 28th, 2011 @ 12:32 pm
You son of a bitch.
[09:30] Ashley: I would like to point out that your last blog post was exactly one month ago.
[09:30] Ashley: I don’t know whether you’re trying to make a point or not, but I personally believe you should not let this continue for one more day. Just sayin.
[09:30] Ashley: Now I’m going to bed. Goodnight.
Aug 20th, 2011 @ 12:41 pm
I dislike that the most efficient way to shift slightly in this seat is to flail my fat limbs around wildly, to the chagrin of my cats both.
Jul 19th, 2011 @ 8:46 am
Google+ is not Facebook
Google+ is not about one’s family, friends and coworkers, like Facebook. This is a sort of monumental difference, so I’m going to go ahead and insert a line break here while we all come to terms with it.
Once people break their Facebook conditioning and get it into their heads that they can find and follow interesting people on G+, they may stop joking that it feels empty. Even in beta, with most of my friends not yet on board, my G+ posts get instant responses, and I feel like I’m having a public conversation with the whole of the Internet.
I do understand that having a public conversation with the whole of the Internet may not appeal to everyone, but I don’t care about viewpoints other than my own and I have decided that this is one of the best things to have happened to the web in a while.
As people who follow my various crimes against bloggery may know, I’ve long had a problem with the way the “revolution” of the “social Internet” really kicked the shit out of socializing on the Internet (among other things), and this has largely been the fault of Facebook. If you see an interesting comment on one of your friend’s Facebook posts you are not likely to add the commenter as a friend, because you don’t know them and that would be creepy as fuuuck. Facebook has been such a massively successful service that this trepidation about talking to new people has become the norm online.
On G+ you don’t have to think twice about who you add, because they can simply post all of the irritating personal bullshit you have no interest in to their Family or People I Hate circles. Some folks coming from Facebook may need a while to get used to the idea that it’s okay to make friends online.
Human beings generally struggle with forming opinions on stuff unless they have something to compare it to, but it is important that we at least pick something similar to that which is in question. We should be comparing G+ to Twitter, if anything, and surely not Facebook.
Compared to Twitter, good gravy, what an upgrade across the board.
If you have a Google+ account, type an interest of yours into the “Find People” box at the top and click on Find everyone matching “Penises”, then add somebody to your I am a typical Internet user and I love Penises circle.
If you don’t have a Google+ account yet, post a comment and I will send you an invitation.
Jul 15th, 2011 @ 3:56 am
Floundering and Flailing
I have been so very busy, which is a real kick in the penis because I have so much more to post about when I am too busy to post. Fuck everything.
Anyway, I basically just want to bump that Casey Anthony entry down a smidge now that the whole thing has ended incorrectly and my blog seems less than completely current.
Now, back to lazily masturbating in a beam of sunlight by my window I MEAN I AM SO SO BUSY
Jul 5th, 2011 @ 7:33 pm
Floundering and Flailing
I haven’t been posting here because I have been so very busy, which is a real kick in the penis because I have so much more to post about when I am too busy to post. Fuck everything. Anyway, I basically just want to bump that Casey Anthony post down a smidge now that the whole thing has ended incorrectly and my blog seems less than completely current. First, I will embed a video of a great hip-hop rap artist from YouTube.
Second, I will link to my Steam profile, because I keep buying games that I will never get around to playing if you do not buy them and play them with me. http://steamcommunity.com/id/christophmalcolm And then I will go back to lazily masturbating in a beam of sunlight by my window I MEAN I AM SO BUSYJun 26th, 2011 @ 11:12 am
I’ve invented a new erectile dysfunction where my cock is confused by how often I touch it and can’t be sure that I’m serious
