October 2011
3 posts
On Financial Independence
I had grown sort of used to Kimber supporting me, but now that there is a whole other person buying me things I have been reminded that my situation is a little bit nonstandard. When Sammy pays for my delicious bottles of rum and things I’m all sheepish and thankful, like a real human being, which will not do at all.
This has inspired me to make fuck tons of money, which I think is the...
My greatest flaw as a writer (and there was some stiff competition, let me tell you) is that I write way too fucking much. Oh, maybe not on my blog, but for each article, short story, review, or even status update I write, I tend to use way too many of those word things.
Case in point: This post was upgraded from a tweet.
It is a classic pitfall for inexperienced writers, but having known of...
September 2011
6 posts
[13:50] fancydink: I saw this thread where everyone was uploading pictures of their dicks next to game controllers. Most of them used Xbox 360 controllers. I noted that my penis was almost exactly the same length as the xbox controller, while most of the dicks in the thread were a bit longer.
[13:52] fancydink: Which upsets me because I have a completely average sized penis, just not compared to...
Everyone crowds around like carrion to a corpse. Their mouths flapping and noshing like pigs at a trough, smashing their teeth and their tongues together, telling stories of past feedings behind hands which obstruct nothing.
I can’t hold myself comfortably upright with these creatures, so I hang back a while and let myself be known, that they can talk among each other after I’m gone...
Here are some videos
I have heard much about your penis in recent days.
The preceding was an un-edited draft saved in June which I can’t recall the motivation for.
Here are some videos
I have heard much about your penis in recent days.
This has been an un-edited draft of a blog entry I wish I could remember the point of.
A list of things you cannot read.
I am not much for blogging these days, as Ashley and absolutely nobody else has noticed, but worry not: I’ve got a number of fine excuses.
First, I have been writing for dollar money. This sounds terrible, I know, but it’s actually been almost fun. For me, I mean; You get nothing out of it. For example, I’ve been hired to write trivia questions for a Legend of Zelda iPhone app,...
A list of things you cannot read.
I am not much for blogging these days, as Ashley and absolutely nobody else has noticed, but worry not: I’ve got a number of fine excuses.
First, I have been writing for dollar money. This sounds terrible, I know, but it’s actually been almost fun. For me, I mean; You get nothing out of it. For example, I’ve been hired to write trivia questions for a Legend of Zelda iPhone app,...
August 2011
2 posts
You son of a bitch.
[09:30] Ashley: I would like to point out that your last blog post was exactly one month ago.
[09:30] Ashley: I don’t know whether you’re trying to make a point or not, but I personally believe you should not let this continue for one more day. Just sayin.
[09:30] Ashley: Now I’m going to bed. Goodnight.
I dislike that the most efficient way to shift slightly in this seat is to flail my fat limbs around wildly, to the chagrin of my cats both.
July 2011
3 posts
Google+ is not Facebook
Google+ is not about one’s family, friends and coworkers, like Facebook. This is a sort of monumental difference, so I’m going to go ahead and insert a line break here while we all come to terms with it.
Once people break their Facebook conditioning and get it into their heads that they can find and follow interesting people on G+, they may stop joking that it feels empty. Even in...
Floundering and Flailing
I have been so very busy, which is a real kick in the penis because I have so much more to post about when I am too busy to post. Fuck everything.
Anyway, I basically just want to bump that Casey Anthony entry down a smidge now that the whole thing has ended incorrectly and my blog seems less than completely current.
Now, back to lazily masturbating in a beam of sunlight by my window I MEAN I...
Floundering and Flailing
I haven’t been posting here because I have been so very busy, which is a real kick in the penis because I have so much more to post about when I am too busy to post. Fuck everything.
Anyway, I basically just want to bump that Casey Anthony post down a smidge now that the whole thing has ended incorrectly and my blog seems less than completely current.
First, I will embed a video of a great...
June 2011
17 posts
I’ve invented a new erectile dysfunction where my cock is confused by how often I touch it and can’t be sure that I’m serious
It seems unlikely that I would write a post about...
About a week ago Memo Juez informed me that Casey Anthony is a person who exists. After a little research, I learned that she is some sort of a minor celebrity for having possibly killed her kid.
I’ll get to the bottom of this.
If Casey Anthony was not actively involved in killing her baby, it seems likely that she was at least okay with what happened. The case for the defense is...
If you have never killed a spider by punching it in the face, I will tell you it is thoroughly satisfying.
Christoph Malcolm Presents the Interview Facebook...
Christoph:
Greetings, Internet. Welcome to the show.
Today we’re talking with Kimber and Sara here on Facebook.
Let’s get right to it with the introductions. Kimber here is a large-breasted scientist from all the way up in Canada. Say hello Kimber.
Kimber:
hiiiii
Christoph:
And Sara, she’s a large-breasted woman who might have a job, from somewhere in America I’m...
Christoph Malcolm Presents the Interview Facebook...
Christoph:
Greetings, Internet. Welcome to the show.
Today we’re talking with Kimber and Sara here on Facebook.
Let’s get right to it with the introductions. Kimber here is a large-breasted scientist from all the way up in Canada. Say hello Kimber.
Kimber:
hiiiii
Christoph:
And Sara, she’s a large-breasted woman who might have a job, from somewhere in America I’m...
Christoph Malcolm Presents the Interview Facebook...
Christoph:
Greetings, Internet. Welcome to the show.
Today we’re talking with Kimber and Sara here on Facebook.
Let’s get right to it with the introductions. Kimber here is a large-breasted scientist from all the way up in Canada. Say hello Kimber.
Kimber:
hiiiii
Christoph:
And Sara, she’s a large-breasted woman who might have a job, from somewhere in America I’m...
Oh, Vancouver
I would say that you guys will have egg on your face in the morning, but I know you idiots will still be sporting those shit-eating grins come sunrise.
I’m going to let the rest of you in on a little secret here, which might not be such a secret at the moment, but the youth of Vancouver are really fucking stupid. They always have been, and it seems likely that they always will be....
Oh, Vancouver
I would say that you guys will have egg on your face in the morning, but I know you idiots will still be sporting those shit-eating grins come sunrise.
I’m going to let the rest of you in on a little secret here, which might not be such a secret at the moment, but the youth of Vancouver are really fucking stupid. They always have been, and it seems likely that they always will be....
The Natural Neckbeard
By writing about sports I completely devalue my more substantive, even poignant writings about turds and video games. I realize that. I’m not sure that it counts though if the only thing I write is a disclaimer, void of any real sports fanaticism, followed by a screencap of Kevin Bieksa’s playoff beard and what should be a simple question. I’m willing to test these waters.
...
Paul is Dead: A Bacon of Hope
Did you know that Paul Quarrington died of lung cancer over a year ago? Of course you didn’t, because you have no fucking idea who Paul Quarrington was, but even if you did know who Paul Quarrington was you certainly would not have known that he died of lung cancer over a year ago because if you did you would have told me. Well, imagine the audacity, he went and did it anyway.
Lung cancer...
Internet Science: Watched Pots
I have decided to test the theory that a watched pot will never boil, because I think this is something which totally needs to be tested.
For this experiment I will be watch a pot and attempt to determine whether or not it boils.
I am staring at the pot.
Okay, the pot has boiled.
Conclusion: Watched pots do in fact boil. No problem, Internet.
Fine like this.
Eating this cold can of beans does not make me feel a whole lot like Rorschach. I thought that it might.
Let me try growling into it.
No dice.
For a second I caught a sense of being a bear marauding through a campsite, but I’m not sure that was a clear improvement over being Christoph and, regardless, I lost it.
I’m not having the best night.
Cold or heated, beans in...
How to Eat Breakfast Awesome
My new breakfast routine, now that I sometimes wake up in the mornings, is to eat a snack bar and wait for Kim to whisk me away to IHOP.
This is actually marginally better for my figure than my previous breakfast ritual of waking up and eating dinner. It is also, I think, to my credit that I choose IHOP over Denny’s. At least, I think IHOP is supposed to be better for you, or more...
How to Eat Breakfast Awesome
My new breakfast routine, now that I sometimes wake up in the mornings, is to eat a snack bar and wait for Kim to whisk me away to IHOP.
This is actually marginally better for my figure than my previous breakfast ritual of waking up and eating dinner. It is also, I think, to my credit that I choose IHOP over Denny’s. At least, I think IHOP is supposed to be better for you, or more...
Internet Science: Practice
I have decided to test the theory that people can improve skills through repetition, because I think this is something which totally needs to be tested.
For this experiment I will be throwing a set of eight darts at a target I have drawn on my refrigerator with a sharpie, over a hazard course provided by my cat. I will be using an arbitrary scoring system because I do not understand the game of...
NES Game Reviews: #-A
Development of my secret new video game website continues at the staggering pace of approximately one line of code per every second week. With progress like that, it looks like it will be ready ahead of schedule, so I really need to get cracking on writing assloads of reviews.
For practice, I think I’ll play every game for the NES in alphabetical order and give a brief thought on each....
NES Game Reviews: #-A
Development of my secret new video game website continues at the staggering pace of approximately one line of code per every second week. With progress like that, it looks like it will be ready ahead of schedule, so I really need to get cracking on writing assloads of reviews.
For practice, I think I’ll play every game for the NES in alphabetical order and give a brief thought on each....
May 2011
11 posts
On Famous Celebrities
People who become famous in the United States are entirely different creatures from the celebrities in every other nation on the planet Earth.
In Canada we sort of reluctantly admit that a person is very talented, at which point we can’t help but try to take credit and, like proud parents, spread word among our friends. Not too many friends though, because we wouldn’t want it to go...
Liveblogging from the Water Closet
One of the more unexpected benefits of switching to a standing desk has been that my bowel movements seem to be much faster. It makes sense, but it wasn’t planned for. I’m sort of locked and loaded, with one in the chamber, ready to go.
As a result of this upgrade, I’m going to have to be a little more careful about playing the time-honored game of fart roulette. I recently...
Fine like this.
Eating this cold can of beans does not make me feel a whole lot like Rorschach. I thought that it might.
Let me try growling into it.
No dice.
For a second I caught a sense of being a bear marauding through a campsite, but I’m not sure that was a clear improvement over being Christoph and, regardless, I lost it.
I’m not having the best night.
Cold or heated, beans in...
Backstage at the Ruse Theater with Eddie Bell
Cement is such a grim choice in flooring. I have trouble picturing a person curled up on a cement floor with a favorite book in front of a fireplace. Maybe a furnace, or a water heater, but they don’t give off any light. You only choose cement for the rooms people never really go into. You put on your slippers and bring a flashlight when you venture into the cement-floored rooms of your...
Backstage at the Ruse Theater with Eddie Bell
Cement is such a grim choice in flooring. I have trouble picturing a person curled up on a cement floor with a favorite book in front of a fireplace. Maybe a furnace, or a water heater, but they don’t give off any light. You only choose cement for the rooms people never really go into. You put on your slippers and bring a flashlight when you venture into the cement-floored rooms of your...
Boobs Everywhere
I would like to show you some fine ass titties, my dear Internet, and then pose to you an important question of your own personal preference.
First, the fine ass titties. There are a couple of new examples of what breasts are in the Validation Gallery. Have a look and rejoice.
I’m a big fan of both of the two newest pictures by themselves, but together they are greater still because they...
The Novice's Guide to Shitting Awesome
A few days ago Sunny taught me how to shit properly, which was not something I specifically asked for, but overall the experience was not unpleasant. She’s very patient, and has soft hands.
In my opinion the key to shitting awesome is the cleanup, but as I am already an expert on that we focused more on examining my stool for imperfections to see if I might be doing anything wrong. It was...
Very Bad Ideas with Christoph Malcolm: Sleep...
I have been forced to surrender to my inability to sleep correctly.
I have had a lot of trouble sleeping since I was, say, thirteen years old, when I would stay up late to listen to my Tupac CDs on repeat. It’s a pattern I’ve never really been able to break. I don’t think I qualify as an insomniac, as I really just wait for people to go to sleep so I can do the weird shit I...
Why would I be at the Cloverdale Rodeo?
Here are some of the many great reasons to go to the rodeo:
1. Perhaps you really love cows.
2. Perhaps you really hate cows.
As I am fairly indifferent towards cows, I rarely partake. I guess I thought it would be a great place to watch the rapture, because cows and Jesus go hand in hand as personal interests, but when that didn’t pan out I had to find something else to do.
My first...
At the Cloverdale Rodeo
Here are some of the many great reasons to go to the rodeo:
1. Perhaps you really love cows.
2. Perhaps you really hate cows.
As I am fairly indifferent towards cows, I rarely partake. I guess I thought it would be a great place to watch the rapture, because cows and Jesus go hand in hand as personal interests, but when that didn’t pan out I had to find something else to do.
My first...
Circadian Schism /or/ Wake Apnea /or/ Very Bad...
I have been forced to surrender to my inability to sleep correctly.
I have had a lot of trouble sleeping since I was, say, thirteen years old, when I would stay up late to listen to my Tupac CDs on repeat. It’s a pattern I’ve never really been able to break. I don’t think I qualify as an insomniac, as I really just wait for people to go to sleep so I can do the weird shit I...
April 2009
24 posts
Molly: find me a job
Christoph: Whore.
Molly: :(
Christoph: Petty Thief
Molly: these are not jobs
Christoph: Oh, shit.
Christoph: Is suicide a job?
I don’t believe that semen itself is considered pornographic. If I uploaded a video to YouTube showing me poking at a puddle of semen with a pencil, that would be okay, right?
I’m also sure that it is fine and dandy to show breasts on YouTube with the nipples covered. With duct tape perhaps, or maybe post-it notes. So long as nothing is poking out, it should be all right.
So. If I...
If I was tased for groping a woman on the bus, and my hand was still on this woman’s breast, would she also be tased?
No matter how lost you get, there’s always another corner to careen around at a thousand light years per second.
Some day you’re going to wonder why you didn’t just ask for directions, and I’ll be there with my camera and a laundry list of things you could have done to have made it turn out better.
Trust me, you’ll want to see the look on your face at that moment.
Tamara: I'm a girl today.
Tamara: You're not here, but I needed to tell someone.
Tamara: And, that someone happened to be you.
Tamara: Perhaps you're asking yourself, "Why? Why would Tamara insist she's a girl today, when clearly she is a girl everyday. On account of the boobs and vagina."
Tamara: Well, it's because I'm wearing a skirt.
Tamara: AND it's pink.
Tamara: I'm a girl today.