Christoph
May 23rd, 2011 @ 7:36 pm
The Novice’s Guide to Shitting Awesome
A few days ago Sunny taught me how to shit properly, which was not something I specifically asked for, but overall the experience was not unpleasant. She’s very patient, and has soft hands.
In my opinion the key to shitting awesome is the cleanup, but as I am already an expert on that we focused more on examining my stool for imperfections to see if I might be doing anything wrong. It was an arduous process but eventually resulted in this chart, which I have carefully stolen from Wikipedia:
Apparently only figures 3 and 4 are considered master-level stools. If that’s true, I am the Dalai Lama of shitting because I pretty much never stray from those. Unless I eat Campbell’s vegetable soup, then all bets are off.
However, the chart doesn’t mention anything about stickiness, which I think is an important and oft-ignored factor. My shit is sometimes super duper sticky, and for some reason I feel really good about that. It can also be mildly irritating, but I just go number doodie first in case I leave a sticky bit clinging to the side of the bowl and I need to blast it off with piss.
I demand a thorough medical explanation for sticky poopoo.
