Christoph

On Financial Independence

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 13:36:35 -0400

I had grown sort of used to Kimber supporting me, but now that there is a whole other person buying me things I have been reminded that my situation is a little bit nonstandard. When Sammy pays for my delicious bottles of rum and things I’m all sheepish and thankful, like a real human being, which will not do at all.

This has inspired me to make fuck tons of money, which I think is the first sensible reaction my brain and I have ever had to anything. Kudos, Captain. We’ll be rich, no doubt, now that we have decided we are vaguely interested in money.

My video game site will, of course, make a cool million a week, should it at some point exist. I will supplement my income, then, with my freelancing. Soon I will take mi innamorati on a trip around the world, where we will meet with the most devoted fans of my articles on dish detergent and rain gear for cyclists, and everyone will pay to blow me.

We’re well on our way. My most recent paid work was writing an article about the best pocket knives for campers. I concluded that the best pocket knives for campers fit into campers’ pockets. They paid me $25 for this. A couple of those a day and I can take my former benefactors to lunch at the Olive Garden.

My most recent unpaid work reads a little something like:

I can feel it building inside of me as I thrust into her, hungrily probing to elicit her ancient sounds of pleasure and stuttering breath. The feeling wells up within me and pushes to escape, but I hold it back for now. I squeeze my eyes tight and push as hard and as deeply as I can and must, and then I feel it, and I can’t restrain it any longer. With a primal bellow I release, and the liquid spills forth from my eyes, running over my cheeks and falling into her mouth. Wait, what? I’m crying? I’m crying!

Nobody will give me $25 for that, which I think I have identified as a flaw with the world.

My greatest flaw as a writer (and there was some stiff competition, let me tell you) is that I write...

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 08:18:02 -0400

My greatest flaw as a writer (and there was some stiff competition, let me tell you) is that I write way too fucking much. Oh, maybe not on my blog, but for each article, short story, review, or even status update I write, I tend to use way too many of those word things.

Case in point: This post was upgraded from a tweet.

It is a classic pitfall for inexperienced writers, but having known of this weakness for a long while now I still don’t seem very interested in changing it. I am by all accounts meant to be an experiencededly shitty writer by now.

I recently wrote a short story for an anthology, and about six seconds after submitting it I realized that I had written it as if it were a novel. I wouldn’t even consider it if I was the publisher. The story spanned five different scenes, with multiple characters who developed and had their own arcs. Fuck that shit.

When I write fiction I figure out my characters and let them take the story wherever they please, which means there are inevitably about as many subplots as there are names. It could work if I would trim the fat after the fact and keep some of that to myself. Alas, I find it nigh impossible to cut huge sections from a piece of writing.

My awful fiction leans a lot on humor and awkward dialog. I want to keep all of my moments, and all of my jokes, because those are the things that bring a joy to writing for me, and they’re the bits I’m most proud of. This is clearly not what the publisher of an anthology of short stories wants, though.

Basically I am suggesting we start a literary journal for hack writers who can’t be bothered to edit their work.

Sois le bienvenu.

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 07:03:16 -0400

Sois le bienvenu.

[13:50] fancydink: I saw this thread where everyone was uploading pictures of their dicks next to...

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 17:16:18 -0400

[13:50] fancydink: I saw this thread where everyone was uploading pictures of their dicks next to game controllers. Most of them used Xbox 360 controllers. I noted that my penis was almost exactly the same length as the xbox controller, while most of the dicks in the thread were a bit longer.

[13:52] fancydink: Which upsets me because I have a completely average sized penis, just not compared to the average of this particular group. Which got me to thinking, it is probably because only people who have dicks longer than xbox 360 controllers will opt to upload a picture of their dick next to an xbox 360 controller.

[13:52] fancydink: I felt bad, because I knew, also, that there would be people with smaller dicks than mine, people whose dicks are perhaps only half the length of an xbox 360 controller, and they would be looking at these 7-8 inch dicks or cheaters and thinking low of themselves.

[13:53] fancydink: But I couldn’t take a picture of my dick next to my xbox 360 controller because it’s a little awkward to hold in place like that while you take a picture, and I have a kind of erectile dysfunction where I cannot maintain an erection without it being constantly stimulated. When it comes to taking photos and things I just can’t fucking do it, I lose it right away

[13:54] fancydink: And I feel bad about it, I guess

<em>[13:54] BigGulp32 is offline</em>

Everyone crowds around like carrion to a corpse. Their mouths flapping and noshing like pigs at a...

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 15:02:45 -0400

Everyone crowds around like carrion to a corpse. Their mouths flapping and noshing like pigs at a trough, smashing their teeth and their tongues together, telling stories of past feedings behind hands which obstruct nothing.

I can’t hold myself comfortably upright with these creatures, so I hang back a while and let myself be known, that they can talk among each other after I’m gone and assure the naysayers that I did, in fact, make my appearance. Good on me.

When I’ve lingered long enough for my corpulence and filth to make the most perceptive of them uncomfortable enough to have the image burned into their pre-frontal cortices, I stash myself away in the garage. It’s better this way for everyone, and especially me.

I gaze off into the corner and imagine all of them nude. I have no interest in any of these people sexually, but it helps to pass the time and is a great exercise for remembering names.

Here are some videos

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 12:17:31 -0400

I have heard much about your penis in recent days.

The preceding was an un-edited draft saved in June which I can’t recall the motivation for.

Here are some videos

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 12:12:22 -0400

I have heard much about your penis in recent days.

This has been an un-edited draft of a blog entry I wish I could remember the point of.

A list of things you cannot read.

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 00:55:43 -0400

I am not much for blogging these days, as Ashley and absolutely nobody else has noticed, but worry not: I’ve got a number of fine excuses.

First, I have been writing for dollar money. This sounds terrible, I know, but it’s actually been almost fun. For me, I mean; You get nothing out of it. For example, I’ve been hired to write trivia questions for a Legend of Zelda iPhone app, which is what I was going to do this week anyway. I’m also apparently writing an Op-Ed column for an obviously reputable African American newspaper, who totally believed my story about the skin condition plaguing the residents of America’s newly-extended dominion into Cascadia.

Second, I have been writing sissypants little personal entries, on LiveJournal of all places. Hahaha, me! Considering including the link to my LiveJournal… Nope. Anyway, I hide these things away behind a friends lock because they are mostly about vaginas and I’m sure nobody on the Internet has any interest in vaginas.

Third, I’ve been writing a lot of fiction. Tons of short stories! I’d post them here, but magazines and anthologies frown on that kind of thing, and apparently I’ve just now decided that getting paid for what I do is a good idea. What I really need here is one of them nifty portals where I let you know where to find my latest work, but I think you’re supposed to be a celebrity to make one of those, and unfortunately Ashley only has the one computer with which to drive up my stats.

Fourth! Yeah, there is a fourth thing. I’m supposed to be working on a video game site so I can pretend that I still write for myself. I haven’t actually been writing for that site either, but presumably this excuse will apply next month.

In closing, uh.

A list of things you cannot read.

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 20:38:41 -0400

I am not much for blogging these days, as Ashley and absolutely nobody else has noticed, but worry not: I’ve got a number of fine excuses.

First, I have been writing for dollar money. This sounds terrible, I know, but it’s actually been almost fun. For me, I mean; You get nothing out of it. For example, I’ve been hired to write trivia questions for a Legend of Zelda iPhone app, which is what I was going to do this week anyway. I’m also apparently writing an Op-Ed column for an obviously reputable African American newspaper, who believe my story about the skin condition plaguing the residents of America’s newly-extended dominion into Cascadia.

In closing, uh.

You son of a bitch.

Sun, 28 Aug 2011 12:32:13 -0400

[09:30] Ashley: I would like to point out that your last blog post was exactly one month ago.
[09:30] Ashley: I don’t know whether you’re trying to make a point or not, but I personally believe you should not let this continue for one more day. Just sayin.
[09:30] Ashley: Now I’m going to bed. Goodnight.

I dislike that the most efficient way to shift slightly in this seat is to flail my fat limbs around...

Sat, 20 Aug 2011 12:41:10 -0400

I dislike that the most efficient way to shift slightly in this seat is to flail my fat limbs around wildly, to the chagrin of my cats both.

Google+ is not Facebook

Tue, 19 Jul 2011 08:46:01 -0400

Google+ is not about one’s family, friends and coworkers, like Facebook. This is a sort of monumental difference, so I’m going to go ahead and insert a line break here while we all come to terms with it.

Once people break their Facebook conditioning and get it into their heads that they can find and follow interesting people on G+, they may stop joking that it feels empty. Even in beta, with most of my friends not yet on board, my G+ posts get instant responses, and I feel like I’m having a public conversation with the whole of the Internet.

I do understand that having a public conversation with the whole of the Internet may not appeal to everyone, but I don’t care about viewpoints other than my own and I have decided that this is one of the best things to have happened to the web in a while.

As people who follow my various crimes against bloggery may know, I’ve long had a problem with the way the “revolution” of the “social Internet” really kicked the shit out of socializing on the Internet (among other things), and this has largely been the fault of Facebook. If you see an interesting comment on one of your friend’s Facebook posts you are not likely to add the commenter as a friend, because you don’t know them and that would be creepy as fuuuck. Facebook has been such a massively successful service that this trepidation about talking to new people has become the norm online.

On G+ you don’t have to think twice about who you add, because they can simply post all of the irritating personal bullshit you have no interest in to their Family or People I Hate circles. Some folks coming from Facebook may need a while to get used to the idea that it’s okay to make friends online.

Human beings generally struggle with forming opinions on stuff unless they have something to compare it to, but it is important that we at least pick something similar to that which is in question. We should be comparing G+ to Twitter, if anything, and surely not Facebook.

Compared to Twitter, good gravy, what an upgrade across the board.

If you have a Google+ account, type an interest of yours into the “Find People” box at the top and click on Find everyone matching “Penises”, then add somebody to your I am a typical Internet user and I love Penises circle.

If you don’t have a Google+ account yet, post a comment and I will send you an invitation.

Floundering and Flailing

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 03:56:46 -0400

I have been so very busy, which is a real kick in the penis because I have so much more to post about when I am too busy to post. Fuck everything.

Anyway, I basically just want to bump that Casey Anthony entry down a smidge now that the whole thing has ended incorrectly and my blog seems less than completely current.

Now, back to lazily masturbating in a beam of sunlight by my window I MEAN I AM SO SO BUSY

Floundering and Flailing

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 19:33:17 -0400

I haven’t been posting here because I have been so very busy, which is a real kick in the penis because I have so much more to post about when I am too busy to post. Fuck everything. Anyway, I basically just want to bump that Casey Anthony post down a smidge now that the whole thing has ended incorrectly and my blog seems less than completely current. First, I will embed a video of a great hip-hop rap artist from YouTube.

Second, I will link to my Steam profile, because I keep buying games that I will never get around to playing if you do not buy them and play them with me. http://steamcommunity.com/id/christophmalcolm And then I will go back to lazily masturbating in a beam of sunlight by my window I MEAN I AM SO BUSY

I’ve invented a new erectile dysfunction where my cock is confused by how often I touch it and...

Sun, 26 Jun 2011 11:12:38 -0400

I’ve invented a new erectile dysfunction where my cock is confused by how often I touch it and can’t be sure that I’m serious

It seems unlikely that I would write a post about Casey Anthony

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 20:55:24 -0400

About a week ago Memo Juez informed me that Casey Anthony is a person who exists. After a little research, I learned that she is some sort of a minor celebrity for having possibly killed her kid.

I’ll get to the bottom of this.

If Casey Anthony was not actively involved in killing her baby, it seems likely that she was at least okay with what happened. The case for the defense is basically that Casey found her kid dead in a pool and reacted by stashing the body in the woods and making like nothing had ever happened. When that didn’t work, because she had made the age-old mistake of telling her family that she had a baby and they evidently wanted to see the thing, she called the cops and said that her daughter had been kidnapped a month previously. This is the version of the story designed to make Casey Anthony look good.

Let’s see… Smallville was on, so it had to have been a Thursday… so she was kidnapped… yeah, 31 days ago. Why, have you seen her? lolz

Why are people even interested in the case? There doesn’t seem to be a lot of doubt that Casey Anthony is kind of a dickhead, so it’s a story been told, no? People usually do not care so much about these things unless they are divided on the issue of whether a person is a dickhead or not, because then, at least, it’s something to do (mindless yelling).

I have poured over all of the evidence available to me and come to a conclusion.

Casey Anthony has kind of pretty eyes, and it’s hard to sentence a person with kind of pretty eyes to death. Therefor, free Casey Anthony. I totally get it now, America.

If you have never killed a spider by punching it in the face, I will tell you it is thoroughly...

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 10:30:53 -0400

If you have never killed a spider by punching it in the face, I will tell you it is thoroughly satisfying.

Christoph Malcolm Presents the Interview Facebook Show Live on Facebook

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 22:55:27 -0400

Christoph:
Greetings, Internet. Welcome to the show.
Today we’re talking with Kimber and Sara here on Facebook.
Let’s get right to it with the introductions. Kimber here is a large-breasted scientist from all the way up in Canada. Say hello Kimber.

Kimber:
hiiiii

Christoph:
And Sara, she’s a large-breasted woman who might have a job, from somewhere in America I’m not too sure of, but her breasts are large. Say hello, Sara.
All right, let’s try another Sara
Well hello, Sarah. Welcome to the program.

Sarah:
hello

Christoph:
Are you caught up on the show to this point?

Sarah:
sure

Christoph:
All right, so we were just doing the introductions. Why don’t you say a few words about yourself to get things started.

Sarah:
Being a large breasted american who may or may not have a job isn’t enough introduction?

Christoph:
That was the other Sara. I am to take it that you also may have a job, or may not have a job?

Sarah:
I do in fact have a job

Kimber:
Good show!

Christoph:
Excellent! Kimber here is a vaccine research -ologist. Let’s compare your professions directly. What do you do?

Sarah:
Well now I feel inadequate. I wait tables.

Christoph:
Kimber: A response?

Kimber:
Don’t feel inadequate!

Christoph:
Excellent.
WEEE-OOO, WEEE-OOO, those are sirens, people!
You know what that means?
It’s time to bring in an expert!
Ashley, how are you tonight?

Ashley:
I’m good. Almost tired

Christoph:
Nearly tired. Fantastic. I understand you’re an expert on Waiting Tables?

Ashley:
I used to be before I quit my job
but I would still like to think that I retained all of my knowledge on the subject

Christoph:
But you were quite proficient. Don’t be modest. Sarah here waits tables currently, and feels inadequate to Kimber who is an -ologist. How do you feel? Should Sarah feel inferior in this case?

Ashley:
Of course not!

Christoph:
Did that help, Sarah?

Kimber:
I’m not even an -ologist.

Christoph:
/me shuffles papers around nervously

Sarah:
Yes, I do feel slightly better about my non-career

Ashley:
People have different table waiting methods, and how a customer judges the waitress depends purely on that customer

Christoph:
What are some of the methods?

Ashley:
well, some people prefer a server who gives contant attention

Christoph:
Oh, I hate that. Sarah, are you an irritating server?

Ashley:
some prefer chatty waitresses (even though they are just trying to get sympathy tips)
some, like dear Christoph (I’m assuming) likes waitresses who provide attention, but are not pushy, yet make no mistakes

Sarah:
I am sometimes forced to be an irritating server because my restaurant forces servers to name three items in every dish brought to the table. But I try to refrain from irritating.

Kimber:
That is an odd rule

Christoph:
I like it when they say “Whatchu want?” and I say what I want, and then I never have to hear them speak again.

Ashley:
haha. That’s totally my method.

Sarah:
That is my favorite kind of customer.

Christoph:
Sarah, do you have any servering tips of your own?

Ashley:
I even brought a water pitcher to a table because I just didn’t feel like dealing with their glasses all night
I got a pretty good tip if I remember…

Christoph:
I have never had a waitress offer to clean my glasses for me

Sarah:
hardy har har

Ashley:
Shall I try this tomorrow? Would you appreciate the offer of glasses-cleaning?

Christoph:
Well, I can’t do it on my own, but I would normally not appreciate that kind of attention regardless. Allow me to struggle on in my squalor and sadness, please.
We have a viewer question, via email. I’ll read it to you now.
Jay says: Ashley doesn’t have huge breasts, but I notice she wears low-cut tops to work anyway and this presumably is a wise business decision. Since Sarah has enormous breasts, does this tactic work in the same way, or can it backfire?
I don’t know who Jay is or how he knows so much about your breasts and what you wear to work, but ladies, a response?

Ashley:
well, I knew how to push the girls up, and I did get amazing tips, plus, my very horny italian boss loved me

Kimber:
My sister said she wore low-cut tops to get more tips when she was getting tips.

Christoph:
Kimber, your sister has enormous breasts, correct?

Ashley:
so great job, Jay, on noticing my smart business move

Kimber:
This is true.

Sarah:
I have to wear button up shirts and at one time was also forced to wear a tie. I make more tips with buttons unbuttoned.

Kimber:
If you wear a button-up that is slightly to small it could gap at the buttons, which would show your boobs=tips?

Christoph:
Kimber, your own breasts are quite large. How do you tread the line between showing too much or too little cleavage? Past a certain point it can get to be vulgar and terrifying.

Kimber:
I wear shirts.

Christoph:
An excellent idea. Sarah?

Ashley:
The trick is to wear pretty necklaces that rest on the cleavage

Christoph:
Does this work as well with large as with paltry, average sized breasts?

Ashley:
it slightly covers it up, but still draws attention

Christoph:
HOOOONK HOOOOONK!
Oh my goodness, those were horns
you know what that means!
It’s time for hands-free mode! The segment where I masturbate fervently in silence while the women talk about their tits.

Kimber:
I have boobs.

Ashley:
me too! What a coincidence.

Sarah:
Gosh! Me too.

Kimber:
You done?

Christoph:
eblaboraye„

Ashley:
wha??? that’s crazy. We all have boobs.

Christoph:
elabortate,.
pleadse

Ashley:
for about 10 hours a day, mine stay in a bra.

Christoph:
omfgg
kimbert uwear a bra?

Kimber:
sometimes~

Christoph:
!!!!saraah

Sarah:
I’m wearing one right now as a matter of fact

Christoph:
Oh, man. Let’s bring in an Easily Offended expert to clean up this mess.
Anne! I’ve made a terrible mistake on the studio floor. What say you, then?

Anne:
hm?

Christoph:
Are you not familiar with our show? The Hands-Free Mode segment has just wrapped up.

Anne:
i see

Christoph:
It is very offensive and demeaning to women everywhere. How do you feel?

Anne:
well, for a woman, i’m kind of a womanizer.

Christoph:
Then why won’t you take naked pictures and send them to me?

Anne:
i don’t womanize myself.
i’ll take naked pictures of someone else and send them to you.

Christoph:
Sigh. This has happened once before. Let’s bring in Melanie for another perspective.
Hello, Melanie. You refuse to take your clothes off, correct?

Melanie:
Excuse me wut

Christoph:
I’m almost certain that I haven’t seen you naked. Presumably this is because you don’t want me to see you naked. Is this the case?

Melanie:
Do I care about any of this? Be honest.

Christoph:
I do not know.

Melanie:
Probably not.
l8r

Christoph:
Anne, you have just witnessed the correct response to the Easily Offended segment. Can you see where you went wrong?

Anne:
i was too high?

Christoph:
Probably. Also I thought your name was Annie.

Anne:
well, officially, it’s anne.

Christoph:
Was it ever Annie?

Anne:
it was annie banannie.

Christoph:
Gross. Sarah, was your name ever Annie?

Sarah:
No but it was Sarie. Which is also a weird diminutive.

Christoph:
Interesting. Whose idea was that?
You have two lifelines remaining.

Sarah:
My mother’s

Christoph:
Well! Ashley, can we get a final word from you?

Ashley:
I was never Annie
but I was Bucky
which is 4000000 times more awful

Christoph:
My database backup for the week has just been delivered, so we’re short on time, but can you explain why you were Bucky in 140 characters or fewer?

Ashley:
I had a horribly crooked front tooth

Christoph:
Makes sense. Thank you so much for your time.

Kimber:
Awwwwh.

Christoph:
And to everyone, thank you. Sarah, you’ve been wonderful

Ashley:
You’re welcome!

Sarah:
Thanks for having me

Christoph:
Kim, we need to run out to the store - I do not know which store - to get that headphone adapter, post haste!

Kimber:
Heavens. Let me get my handbag.

Christoph:
/credits

Christoph Malcolm Presents the Interview Facebook Show Live on Facebook

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 22:27:13 -0400

Kimber:
hiiiii

Sarah:
hello

Christoph:
Are you caught up on the show to this point?

Sarah:
sure

Christoph:
All right, so we were just doing the introductions. Why don’t you say a few words about yourself to get things started.

Sarah:
Being a large breasted american who may or may not have a job isn’t enough introduction?

Christoph:
That was the other Sara. I am to take it that you also may have a job, or may not have a job?

Sarah:
I do in fact have a job

Kimber:
Good show!

Christoph:
Excellent! Kimber here is a vaccine research -ologist. Let’s compare your professions directly. What do you do?

Sarah:
Well now I feel inadequate. I wait tables.

Christoph:
Kimber: A response?

Kimber:
Don’t feel inadequate!

Christoph:
Excellent.
WEEE-OOO, WEEE-OOO, those are sirens, people!
You know what that means?
It’s time to bring in an expert!
Ashley, how are you tonight?

Ashley:
I’m good. Almost tired

Christoph:
Nearly tired. Fantastic. I understand you’re an expert on Waiting Tables?

Ashley:
I used to be before I quit my job
but I would still like to think that I retained all of my knowledge on the subject

Ashley:
Of course not!

Christoph:
Did that help, Sarah?

Kimber:
I’m not even an -ologist.

Christoph:
/me shuffles papers around nervously

Sarah:
Yes, I do feel slightly better about my non-career

Ashley:
People have different table waiting methods, and how a customer judges the waitress depends purely on that customer

Christoph:
What are some of the methods?

Ashley:
well, some people prefer a server who gives contant attention

Christoph:
Oh, I hate that. Sarah, are you an irritating server?

Sarah:
I am sometimes forced to be an irritating server because my restaurant forces servers to name three items in every dish brought to the table. But I try to refrain from irritating.

Kimber:
That is an odd rule

Christoph:
I like it when they say “Whatchu want?” and I say what I want, and then I never have to hear them speak again.

Ashley:
haha. That’s totally my method.

Sarah:
That is my favorite kind of customer.

Christoph:
Sarah, do you have any servering tips of your own?

Ashley:
I even brought a water pitcher to a table because I just didn’t feel like dealing with their glasses all night
I got a pretty good tip if I remember…

Christoph:
I have never had a waitress offer to clean my glasses for me

Sarah:
hardy har har

Ashley:
Shall I try this tomorrow? Would you appreciate the offer of glasses-cleaning?

Ashley:
well, I knew how to push the girls up, and I did get amazing tips, plus, my very horny italian boss loved me

Kimber:
My sister said she wore low-cut tops to get more tips when she was getting tips.

Christoph:
Kimber, your sister has enormous breasts, correct?

Ashley:
so great job, Jay, on noticing my smart business move

Kimber:
This is true.

Sarah:
I have to wear button up shirts and at one time was also forced to wear a tie. I make more tips with buttons unbuttoned.

Kimber:
If you wear a button-up that is slightly to small it could gap at the buttons, which would show your boobs=tips?

Christoph:
Kimber, your own breasts are quite large. How do you tread the line between showing too much or too little cleavage? Past a certain point it can get to be vulgar and terrifying.

Kimber:
I wear shirts.

Christoph:
An excellent idea. Sarah?

Ashley:
The trick is to wear pretty necklaces that rest on the cleavage

Christoph:
Does this work as well with large as with paltry, average sized breasts?

Ashley:
it slightly covers it up, but still draws attention

Kimber:
I have boobs.

Ashley:
me too! What a coincidence.

Sarah:
Gosh! Me too.

Kimber:
You done?

Christoph:
eblaboraye„

Ashley:
wha??? that’s crazy. We all have boobs.

Christoph:
elabortate,.
pleadse

Ashley:
for about 10 hours a day, mine stay in a bra.

Christoph:
omfgg
kimbert uwear a bra?

Kimber:
sometimes~

Christoph:
!!!!saraah

Sarah:
I’m wearing one right now as a matter of fact

Christoph:
Oh, man. Let’s bring in an Easily Offended expert to clean up this mess.
Anne! I’ve made a terrible mistake on the studio floor. What say you, then?

Anne:
hm?

Christoph:
Are you not familiar with our show? The Hands-Free Mode segment has just wrapped up.

Anne:
i see

Christoph:
It is very offensive and demeaning to women everywhere. How do you feel?

Anne:
well, for a woman, i’m kind of a womanizer.

Christoph:
Then why won’t you take naked pictures and send them to me?

Anne:
i don’t womanize myself.
i’ll take naked pictures of someone else and send them to you.

Christoph:
Sigh. This has happened once before. Let’s bring in Melanie for another perspective.
Hello, Melanie. You refuse to take your clothes off, correct?

Melanie:
Excuse me wut

Christoph:
I’m almost certain that I haven’t seen you naked. Presumably this is because you don’t want me to see you naked. Is this the case?

Melanie:
Do I care about any of this? Be honest.

Christoph:
I do not know.

Melanie:
Probably not.
l8r

Christoph:
Anne, you have just witnessed the correct response to the Easily Offended segment. Can you see where you went wrong?

Anne:
i was too high?

Christoph:
Probably. Also I thought your name was Annie.

Anne:
well, officially, it’s anne.

Christoph:
Was it ever Annie?

Anne:
it was annie banannie.

Christoph:
Gross. Sarah, was your name ever Annie?

Sarah:
No but it was Sarie. Which is also a weird diminutive.

Christoph:
Interesting. Whose idea was that?
You have two lifelines remaining.

Sarah:
My mother’s

Christoph:
Well! Ashley, can we get a final word from you?

Ashley:
I was never Annie
but I was Bucky
which is 4000000 times more awful

Christoph:
My database backup for the week has just been delivered, so we’re short on time, but can you explain why you were Bucky in 140 characters or fewer?

Ashley:
I had a horribly crooked front tooth

Christoph:
Makes sense. Thank you so much for your time.

Kimber:
Awwwwh.

Christoph:
And to everyone, thank you. Sarah, you’ve been wonderful

Ashley:
You’re welcome!

Sarah:
Thanks for having me

Christoph:
Kim, we need to run out to the store - I do not know which store - to get that headphone adapter, post haste!

Kimber:
Heavens. Let me get my handbag.

Christoph:
/credits

Christoph Malcolm Presents the Interview Facebook Show Live on Facebook

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 22:22:40 -0400

Kimber:
hiiiii

Sarah:
hello

Christoph:
Are you caught up on the show to this point?

Sarah:
sure

Christoph:
All right, so we were just doing the introductions. Why don’t you say a few words about yourself to get things started.

Sarah:
Being a large breasted american who may or may not have a job isn’t enough introduction?

Christoph:
That was the other Sara. I am to take it that you also may have a job, or may not have a job?

Sarah:
I do in fact have a job

Kimber:
Good show!

Christoph:
Excellent! Kimber here is a vaccine research -ologist. Let’s compare your professions directly. What do you do?

Sarah:
Well now I feel inadequate. I wait tables.

Christoph:
Kimber: A response?

Kimber:
Don’t feel inadequate!

Christoph:
Excellent.
WEEE-OOO, WEEE-OOO, those are sirens, people!
You know what that means?
It’s time to bring in an expert!
Ashley, how are you tonight?

Ashley:
I’m good. Almost tired

Christoph:
Nearly tired. Fantastic. I understand you’re an expert on Waiting Tables?

Ashley:
I used to be before I quit my job
but I would still like to think that I retained all of my knowledge on the subject

Ashley:
Of course not!

Christoph:
Did that help, Sarah?

Kimber:
I’m not even an -ologist.

Christoph:
/me shuffles papers around nervously

Sarah:
Yes, I do feel slightly better about my non-career

Ashley:
People have different table waiting methods, and how a customer judges the waitress depends purely on that customer

Christoph:
What are some of the methods?

Ashley:
well, some people prefer a server who gives contant attention

Christoph:
Oh, I hate that. Sarah, are you an irritating server?

Sarah:
I am sometimes forced to be an irritating server because my restaurant forces servers to name three items in every dish brought to the table. But I try to refrain from irritating.

Kimber:
That is an odd rule

Christoph:
I like it when they say “Whatchu want?” and I say what I want, and then I never have to hear them speak again.

Ashley:
haha. That’s totally my method.

Sarah:
That is my favorite kind of customer.

Christoph:
Sarah, do you have any servering tips of your own?

Ashley:
I even brought a water pitcher to a table because I just didn’t feel like dealing with their glasses all night
I got a pretty good tip if I remember…

Christoph:
I have never had a waitress offer to clean my glasses for me

Kimber:
hardy har har

Ashley:
Shall I try this tomorrow? Would you appreciate the offer of glasses-cleaning?

Ashley:
well, I knew how to push the girls up, and I did get amazing tips, plus, my very horny italian boss loved me

Kimber:
My sister said she wore low-cut tops to get more tips when she was getting tips.

Christoph:
Kimber, your sister has enormous breasts, correct?

Ashley:
so great job, Jay, on noticing my smart business move

Kimber:
This is true.

Sarah:
I have to wear button up shirts and at one time was also forced to wear a tie. I make more tips with buttons unbuttoned.

Kimber:
If you wear a button-up that is slightly to small it could gap at the buttons, which would show your boobs=tips?

Christoph:
Kimber, your own breasts are quite large. How do you tread the line between showing too much or too little cleavage? Past a certain point it can get to be vulgar and terrifying.

Kimber:
I wear shirts.

Christoph:
An excellent idea. Sarah?

Ashley:
The trick is to wear pretty necklaces that rest on the cleavage

Christoph:
Does this work as well with large as with paltry, average sized breasts?

Ashley:
it slightly covers it up, but still draws attention

Sarah:
I have boobs.

Ashley:
me too! What a coincidence.

Kimber:
Gosh! Me too.

Sarah:
You done?

Christoph:
eblaboraye„

Ashley:
wha??? that’s crazy. We all have boobs.

Christoph:
elabortate,.
pleadse

Ashley:
for about 10 hours a day, mine stay in a bra.

Christoph:
omfgg
kimbert uwear a bra?

Kimber:
sometimes~

Christoph:
!!!!saraah

Sarah:
I’m wearing one right now as a matter of fact

Christoph:
Oh, man. Let’s bring in an Easily Offended expert to clean up this mess.
Anne! I’ve made a terrible mistake on the studio floor. What say you, then?

Anne:
hm?

Christoph:
Are you not familiar with our show? The Hands-Free Mode segment has just wrapped up.

Anne:
i see

Christoph:
It is very offensive and demeaning to women everywhere. How do you feel?

Anne:
well, for a woman, i’m kind of a womanizer.

Christoph:
Then why won’t you take naked pictures and send them to me?

Anne:
i don’t womanize myself.
i’ll take naked pictures of someone else and send them to you.

Christoph:
Sigh. This has happened once before. Let’s bring in Melanie for another perspective.
Hello, Melanie. You refuse to take your clothes off, correct?

Melanie:
Excuse me wut

Christoph:
I’m almost certain that I haven’t seen you naked. Presumably this is because you don’t want me to see you naked. Is this the case?

Melanie:
Do I care about any of this? Be honest.

Christoph:
I do not know.

Melanie:
Probably not.
l8r

Christoph:
Anne, you have just witnessed the correct response to the Easily Offended segment. Can you see where you went wrong?

Anne:
i was too high?

Christoph:
Probably. Also I thought your name was Annie.

Anne:
well, officially, it’s anne.

Christoph:
Was it ever Annie?

Anne:
it was annie banannie.

Christoph:
Gross. Sarah, was your name ever Annie?

Sarah:
No but it was Sarie. Which is also a weird diminutive.

Christoph:
Interesting. Whose idea was that?
You have two lifelines remaining.

Sarah:
My mother’s

Christoph:
Well! Ashley, can we get a final word from you?

Ashley:
I was never Annie
but I was Bucky
which is 4000000 times more awful

Christoph:
My database backup for the week has just been delivered, so we’re short on time, but can you explain why you were Bucky in 140 characters or fewer?

Ashley:
I had a horribly crooked front tooth

Christoph:
Makes sense. Thank you so much for your time.

Kimber:
Awwwwh.

Christoph:
And to everyone, thank you. Sarah, you’ve been wonderful

Ashley:
You’re welcome!

Sarah:
Thanks for having me

Christoph:
Kim, we need to run out to the store - I do not know which store - to get that headphone adapter, post haste!

Kimber:
Heavens. Let me get my handbag.

Christoph:
/credits